The Hundred Thousand Dick Cheney JokesOf Sparrow and Lawrence Fishberg(Editor’s Note: in the days of old, when vast empires spread across a sullen globe, it was customary for peasants, suffocating under the weight of their far off yet ever-present masters, to gather around a fire in the evening somewhere in the provinces, far away from the emperor and his castles and armies, and after checking that there were no spies present, they would drink and smoke and ridicule their betters with harangues and bad jokes. There would be laughter. Occasionally, someone's tongue would be cut out the next day, if word got around. It was a kind of temporary autonomous zone if you like. Since those days of old are back again in spades, we are happy to find that this venerable old folkloric past-time is alive and well and living in the Catskills, where cultural anthropologists Sparrow and Lawrence Fishberg discovered and recorded the following “jokes” (or as Sparrow calls them, “logical inferences”). Dear David Byrne "Yer" Bridges, Q: Why doesn't Dick Cheney play bridge? A: Because he likes blowing one up better. Your mandible, Ruby Dee Dee Ramone Dear Burma Shave Buddhist, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite instrument? A: Drumsticks on human skull. Rasta Love, "Doritos" O'Leary
Dear Jules Feiffer and Drum Corps, Q: What is Dick Cheney's big regret? A: He doesn't have a Mohawk haircut. Elegant dismay, James Jones of Arcs Dear James 2% Bond, Q: Why doesn't Ralph Nader wear pajamas? A: It's insulting to the Japanese. Humbly a servant, Our Man Flint Dear Basket Balthus, Q: Does Ralph Nader believe in God? A: No, but he believes in dragons. Out of butter, Tex-Mex Antoine Dear Edgar St. Vincent's Hospital L.A., Q: What does Ralph Nader do to be naughty? A: He wears a fur coat. Sincerely, Tutu Van Claypool Dear Banana Republican Senator, Q: What is Dick Cheney's idea of fun? A: Fucking a tree. Regionally, Maxwell Smarter Dear Crossword Rapunzel, Q: Who has a bigger Dick, Ralph Nader or Dick Cheney? A: Ask Martha Stewart. Paydirt, Allan ("Tecumsah") Sherman Dear Pez Dispenser, Q: What is Dick Cheney's nicest trait? A: He is very kind to spiders. Actuary, M & M Dear Beer Lizard, Q: What is Dick Cheney's ultimate goal? A: To turn the world into a football stadium. Integer, N'Synch O. Potato Dear Poke-A-Hontas, Q: How does Dick Cheney eat his eggs? A: With the shells. Trembling, The Gerbil Anxiety Police Dear Barbie Dreamhouse, Q: Why did Dick Cheney go to China? A: He likes to break chopsticks. Free love, Sam The Sham and The Sparrows Dear Pope Shlomo XXVIII, Q: What is Dick Cheney's biggest secret? A: He thinks Jesus is ugly. Interior wall, Martha Stew Art Dear Platypus Rosenfeld, Q: How does Dick Cheney eat lettuce? A: Barbecued. Smiling, The Smothered Brothers Dear Cardinal Pederasti, Q: Where does Dick Cheney like to swim? A: In sewers. Yours ruly, Albert Gore Lick Dear Morey New Amsterdam, Q: Where does Dick Cheney keep his gold coins? A: Inside three human skulls. Regardingly, The Church of Ladder Day Paints Dear Daddy-o Longlegs, Q: When does Dick Cheney call the police? A: When he needs a kiss. Reality sandwich, Drano Malfoy Dear Agatha Crispy, Q: Why did Dick Cheney go to the doctor? A: To replace his ball bearings. Humbly, Per Ree Mae Sun Dear Guadacanal St., Q: How did Dick Cheney break his leg? A: Kicking a homeless woman. Already, Carl Sandburger King Dear Couch Potato Pancake, Q: Why is Dick Cheney always happy? A: Because he keeps getting richer. Lightly, Donald Duck Tape Dear Spider Manchild, Q: Is Dick Cheney ticklish? A: Only in his inner ear. Yours abstractly, Labor J. Intensive Dear Lil' Orphan Anorexic, Q: Why does Dick Cheney play Lotto? A: To keep someone else from winning. On the QT, Marsha Mason-Marsha Dixon Dear Dr. Quack-at-Bush Q: Why did Dick Cheney go into a submarine? A: To fart. Money for nothing, B. Sting Dear Buddy Hack It, Q: Why can't Dick Cheney join the Kiwanis Club? A: He can only swear allegiance to Satan. Out of strawberries, Julie Andrews Air Force Base Dear Start Rek, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite drink? A: A Bloody Mary (with human blood). Happily, Virginia Wooooooooooooooooolf Dear Superman's Cape, Q: How do you know a new war is starting? A: Dick Cheney has a hardon. Out of the Fruit Loop, Godzilla Love Yo Banana Boy, Q: What is Dick Cheney's one great regret? A: That the South lost the Civil War. Invented, Betsy "The Boss" Ross Dear Blue Cross Buns, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite outfit? A: A belt, two guns and diapers. Love, The Department of Angelology Dear Ann Slanders, Q: What was Dick Cheney's biggest problem in high school? A: He never believed geometry was true. Simply, Jane Austen Powers Dear Genghis Connoisseur, Q: What is Dick Cheney's hobby? A: Smashing teapots. Exactly, Ludwig "Moonlight" Snot Dear Tortoise & Hare Krishna, Q: What do Dick Cheney's friends call him? A: "The Skunk." Alarmingly, Shirley Phone Booth Dear Iceberg SlimFast, Q: Why isn't Dick Cheney president? A: Because George W. threw up the poison pretzel. Giant lady, Roy "Vey" Rogers Dear Sarah Burn Heart, Q: Where does Dick Cheney like to picnic? A: Next to car wrecks. Albion, William ("Shake And") Blake Dear Redneck Tar Of The Gods, Q: What is Dick Cheney's pet peeve? A: He hates elections. Oregon trailing, Pearl S. Buck Rogers Dear Seymour Fiberglass, Q: Why are we invading Iraq? A: Because Dick Cheney left a set of golf clubs there. Eternity, Robin Hood Winks Dear Admiral Perry Como, Q: What is Dick Cheney's hobby? A: Collecting autographs of Nazis. Elba, John Jacob Jingleheimer Shit Dear Frank Incense, Q: Why does Dick Cheney attend a 12 step program? A: He's addicted to Bingo. Where's the beef?, Myrrhna Loy Dear Portuguese Man O' Peace, Q: When is Dick Cheney happiest? A: When he has just stepped on a snail. Tenderly, The Fifth Amendment Dear Rudy Jewel Chianti, Q: How do you know Dick Cheney is your friend? A: He lets you tongue-kiss him. Gap jeans, The Editor of the New York Times Science Section Dear Monet's Water Lilies, Q: How did Dick Cheney get the hiccups? A: From drinking his Satanic Power Potion too fast. Yours tremblingly, Coney Island Baby Food Dear Lex Luthor And The Reformation, Q: Why has Dick Cheney never seen Othello? A: He thinks Shakespeare is "a fag." Empty bottles, Fred A. Staircase Dear Fashion Police, Q: Why did Dick Cheney buy a potato? A: To use as a weapon. Hourly, The Fashion Firemen Dear Viet Congress, Q: Why is Dick Cheney unhappy? A: Because his secret service agent hates him. Presently, ZZ Tophat Dear Lo Mein On the Totem Pole, Q: Why can't Dick Cheney get drunk? A: Because he starts to speak Arabic. Honduras, Mother Jones of Arcs Dear Edgar Alien Ho, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite greeting? A: "Heil Hitler!" Indentured, Julie And Ruse Dear Sydney Australopithecus, Q: Why can't Dick Cheney dance? A: He has grenades in his pocket. Marsupially, KKKim Novak Dear Doobie Brothers Fan Club Sandwich, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite sundae? A: Pistachio ice cream, chocolate syrup and human brains. Obsequiously, The Earplug Wife Dear Roberta Flack Jacket, Q: Does Dick Cheney have a pet? A: No, but he has two human slaves. Gradually, Darth Vaguer Dear Venice The Menace, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite food? A: Bone marrow. Dutifully, The Story of O (.Henry) Dear Iraqi and Bullwinkle, Q: What does Dick Cheney like about being vice president? A: There's no malpractice insurance. Holy writ, The Mammals and The Papals Dear Luke Jaywalker, Q: Why did Dick Cheney go to the River Ganges? A: On business. Genuinely, Princess Leia Cake Dear Robert Service Industry, Q: Who's funnier, Dick Cheney or Saddam Hussein? A: A man with a moustache is always funnier. Broadly, Lucille Ball Buster Dear Dagwood Buminstead, Q: Did you hear about the Dick Cheney doll? A: Wind it up and it declares martial law. Occupied, The People's Republic of Bayonne, N.J. Dear Pack Rat Pack, Q: Why does Dick Cheney limp? A: A terrorist bit off his toe. Artfully, Polly Technic Dear Chico and the Manservant, Q: What cigarette does Dick Cheney smoke? A: He prefers a hookah. Enchilada, Chuck Close For Comfort Dear Pet Shop Boys Club, Q: Why is Dick Cheney so lonely? A: Everyone else is so much nicer than he is. Globules, The Liverpool Kidney Stones Dear Posthumous-keteer, Q: Why doesn't Dick Cheney take cha-cha lessons? A: Both of his feet are made of steel. Intimidated, Frank Lloyd Rite Aid Dear Long John Silver and Roy Rogers' Ranch House, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite song? A: The Citibank jingle. Expansively, Jane Wyman and Jim Wywoman Dear Anti-Definition League, Q: Who is Dick Cheney's favorite superhero? A: Dr. Doom. Yours in goulash, Bangkok Robin Dear Marco Polo Grounds, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like to wear a dress? A: To show off his knees. Out of business, Yankee Go Home Stadium Dear Dr. Hairdo Little, Q: How do we know Dick Cheney is Jewish? A: He is a lousy tipper. Bountifully, Oliver Sacks Fifth Avenue Dear Earl Wilson of God, Q: Why does Dick Cheney hate himself? A: Because he is 1/24th African-American. Salvage formica, Eminem With Peanuts Dear Dr. Livingstone Ponies, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite yoga position? A: The corpse. Really egregious, Sadder Budweiser Dear Doris Duke of Earl, Q: What is Dick Cheney's biggest secret? A: He enjoys having heart attacks. Your pal, Roy (Mister) Rogers Dear Sonny Listen, Q: How do you know if Dick Cheney is your friend? A: He doesn't call you "Assface!" Repeatedly, The Son of Elliott Ness, Quiet Ness Dear Floyd Pinko, Q: What is Dick Cheney's greatest fear? A: That he will have to give Osama a blowjob... again. Faithful, Billie "Bank" Holliday Dear Trent "Used Car" Lott, Q: What was Dick Cheney like as a baby? A: He never opened his eyes. Forgetfully, Krazy Katz' Delicatessen Dear Barbra Strap, Q: How did Dick Cheney learn to dance? A: Stepping on crickets. Awesomely, Otto Premonition Dear Hall & Notes, Q: Why did Dick Cheney join the Quakers? A: He enjoys silence. Distinctly, Stepan Kvetchit Motherz Dear Howdy Due-Date, Q: Why does Dick Cheney love his wife? A: Because it's cheaper than loving his mistress. Sincerely, Elmoe Leonard and the Stooges Dear Drum and Bugger Corps, Q: What is the kind of exercise Dick Cheney likes the most? A: Lifting and lowering his bank book. Humbly, Lower "Her" Bush Dear Fresh Water Fishberg, Q: Why doesn't Dick Cheney like to have sex? A: Because no one pays him for it. Sincerely, Talking Headspace of My Mind Dear Moby Dick Cheney, Q: Why does Dick Cheney wear pants to bed? A: So that he has someplace to put his wallet. Yours truly, Heather Lockjaw Dear Marvin Gardens, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like about Ralph Nader? A: He picks up the tab. Sid Seerly, Dee Dee Rockmananoff Dear Suge Day, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like to eat alone? A: Because he doesn't like people. Yours truly, The Tinker and the Crab. Dear Spirit-Cheese, Q: Why does Dick Cheney have in his limo? A: A portable bank. Yours in out, Stock Fraud Jr. Dear Morgan Stanley, Q: Where does Dick Cheney like to eat at Burger King? A: Because he doesn't have to leave a tip. Yours truly, Stock X. Change. Dear P. J. Probiscus, Q: What does Dick Cheney wear during sex? A: His money belt. Yours in through the out door, Jimmy Pageturner Dear Pear Ubu, Q: What does Dick Cheney's wife use for birth control? A: A portrait of Dick. Your soulful seagull, E. Gull Dear Hip-Hop-Along Neal Cassidy, Q: What does Dick Cheney's wife plan to give him for his next birthday? A: White-Out. Yours truly, A. Habitual Dear Wes Nile Vyrus Jr. Q: Why does Dick Cheney love to play checkers? A: Because it's easier to cheat at than chess. Sincerely, Elliot "Loch" Ness Dear Ball and Cheney, Q: What does Dick Cheney have for breakfast? A: Free food from the night before. Yours truly, Sidmartha Stewart Dear Sy Borg, Q: What does Dick Cheney and his banker like to do more than anything else? A: Snuggle. Yours in bonds, Walt Street Dear Salt St. Peter, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like going to sleep? A: Because it's free. Your stumble sturgeon, A. Habitual. Dear Elbow Maiden, Q: Why does Dick Cheney take in amateur comedy shows? A: So he can laugh at poor comics. Short and crass, Bob Marlevi Jeans Dear Halle Bury My Body at Wounded Knee, Q: What does Dick Cheney like to do at Fort Knox? A: Run naked through the gold bricks. Your palimony, Philip K. Dick Nixon Dear Burning Bush Jr. Q: Why does Dick Cheney take cocaine? A: Because he gets it free from the president. Sincerely, John Dos Passout Dear Bob Hopeless, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like cigars? A: Because he gets them free from Fidel Castro. Yours in yours, L. Ophant Titus Dear Cher and Cher Alike, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like about Saddam? A: He doesn't tip either. Your in through the out door, Mildred Pierce Your Nipple Dear Malcolm Exley, Q: Why does Dick Cheney cheat on his taxes? A: Because the president does too. Yours simple humbleton, Leonardo De Capitated. Dear Eminemstein, Q: What is Dick Cheney's greatest accomplishment? A: Wiping his ass with a thousand dollar bill and not giving a shit. My humble defenestration, Colonoscopy Enoch Powell Dear Joyce Brothersandsisters, Q: Why does Dick Cheney believe in God? A: Because he doesn't have to pay for it. Hi ho-ho hologram, Tupac Biggiewitz Dear Dan Idrathernot, Q: Why does Dick Cheney hate his house? A: It only has forty bathrooms. Yours, Mine. Dear Burt Plastercaster, Q: What did they call Dick Cheney in college? A: Melissa. My old pal, Perry Freemason Dear Pira Midd, Q: Why is Dick Cheney's favorite treat? A: Chocolate covered Iraqi's. Yours and mine, Patti Smith and Wesson Dear Winslow Homerun, Q: When did Dick Cheney realize he'd make a good vice-president? A: When he had a colonoscopy. Breast wishes, Royal Man-Tannenbaum Dear Edgar Cayce Stengel, Q: What does Dick Cheney collect? A: Audio tapes of pigeon droppings. Your wistfull fistfull, White Dove Up. Dear Ginger Vitas, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like golf? A: Because he can do it drunk. My Public Nebraska, Slew Costello and Bud Abattoir Dear Barry Whitebread, Q: Why doesn't Dick Cheney wear jockey shorts? A: Because he can get girdles cheaper. Best witches, Nikki Six Sixty-Six Dear Dr. Hootz Pah, Q: Why does Dick Cheney want to invade Iraq? A: Because he wants a place to hide his Cuban cigars. Your unflappable Zelda, F. Scott Tissues Dear Miss Nude Iraq, Q: What does Dick Cheney like about Saddam? A: He gets on top. Your humble tinker, Cat Stevens Seagal Dear Isadora Duncan Hines, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like cotton? A: It doesn't mather. My pal, Robert X. Lee Harvey Oswald. Dear Vincent's Leopold and Lobe, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like his wife? A: Because she likes the same banks as he does. Your twitching part, Enronald Reagan Dear Brian Jonestown, Q: Why does Dick Cheney hate Lady Macbeth? A: Because she wouldn't let her husband help wipe the blood from her hands. Sincerely, Mullah Omar Bradley Dear Son of Sammy Davis Junior, Q: What do Dick Cheney and Patti Smith have in common? A: Neither have to work. Your admonisher, Amiri Baraka the Alta Cocker Dear Hip-Hop-A-Long-Neal Cassidy, Q: Why doesn't Dick Cheney like a club sandwich? A: Because it's too ethnically diverse. Your meal ticket, Amiri Baraka The Alta Cocker Dear Neal Cassidy and The Sundance Nicole Kidman, Q: What does Dick Cheney admire most about the President? A: His coke dealer. Admonishingly mine, Calumny Powell Dear Sandy Koufax-machine, Q: What does Dick Cheney do to pass the time when he sits on the toilet? A: He makes believe each dump is a scud missile. My private Co-op City, The Giving-Headless Horseman Dear Sugar Man Ray Robinson, Q: Why did Dick Cheney wake up screaming the other day? A: He dreamt he was in a protest march against himself. Your minister of lox, Vladimir Rasputin Dear Hop Leap Frog, Q: What does Dick Cheney say when he prays? A: He doesn't say anything. He pays someone to pray for him. Your only problem, Brad Pitt and The Pendulums Dear Sexually Transmitted Depression, Q: Who is Dick Cheney's favorite fictional character? A: President Bush. My thoroughly modern morality, Jackson Pollackness Monster Dear Brian Wilson of Sam, Q: Why does Dick Cheney wear eye make-up? A: To hide his feminine side. My favorite mistake, The Gang of Foreplay Dear Eldridge Beaver Cleaver, Q: Why does Dick Cheney wear a bra? A: Because he's tired of hiding his money in his underpants. My only safe haven in a perilous sea of ineptitude, Patti Smith and Wesson. Dear Miles and Betty Davis, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like the Senate? A: It has clean bathrooms. Yours truly, Tubby The One-Pound Blimp Dear Eminemstein, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like jazz? A: Because he thinks he resembles young Chet Baker. Yours in the midst of conflict, Augustus, the Pimp of Peoria Dear James Bondmarket, Q: What accessory does a Dick Cheney doll come with? A: A plastic pacemaker. Your hubby, The Morman Pumpernickel Wire. Dear Dung Forrester, Q: What does Dick Cheney want for Xmas? A: A new Mexican servant. Your only link to the world of royal gangsta sleep, Rap Van Windsor. Dear All in the Manson Family Q: What does Dick Cheney weigh? A: His money. From Fred the Lanquid Skinblotch of the Ozarks, Dr. Pelham Parkway Dear Spiro Agnude, Q: What makes Dick Cheney different than most men? A: He has internal erections. Thanks and all that, Charro Your Drunken Boat Dear Wendy O.J. Williams, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite food? A: Blood pudding. From your bestest buddy, Hortense and The Boring Incidentals Dear Johnny Cashpoor, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite state? A: Indifference. Yours breastly, Jayne Mansfield-of-Dreams Dear Geronimo, Larry, and Curley, Q: Why does Dick Cheney like chat rooms? A: Because he can lie all he wants and no one knows. Yours in and around the house, Baader and Meinhoffman Sodas Dear Vladimir Rasputin, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite article of clothing. A: The gas mask. Yours forever in aisle 8, Room 101. Dr. Dr. Doeverything, Q: How do we know that Dick Cheney out of touch. A: He thinks haiku is on the cutting edge. Your basket-case study, Iranaway. Dear Sudsbuster The Younger, Q: Why does Dick Cheney hate being called "Richard"? A: Because people might get the wrong idea. My only hopeless, U. Listless Bloomberg Dear Dr. Derma, Q: Why does Dick Cheney love his wife? A: Because she puts the saddle on him gently during sex. My old synonym, Tad Gormless Dear Hunky Dorian Grey, Q: What is Dick Cheney's favorite sport? A: Spin the Anthrax. My only ray of sunshine in an otherwise cyanide tablet, Peter Japan. Dear Rabbi Ham, Q: What is Dick Cheney's greatest accomplishment? A: Writing a book of recipes for dead people. My hinderance, Marky Magic Marker Dear Dress A Whole Lotta Trent, Q: Why did Dick Cheney get breast fed as a baby? A: Because it didn't cost him anything. Your mindless brain, The Sightless Orb Dear Clone Baby nos. 22 and 14, Q: What does Dick Cheney do for New Years? A: He sends his rolex to the dry cleaner. My hind quarters and dimes, Ivan the Wonderful Dear Smart Bomb, Q: When does Dick Cheney think that the war with Iraq will start? A: When the president finishes reading his first novel. Your firefodder for the masses, Daniel Night Lewis.
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