Raz Mesinai: Letter of September 15.

Dear Friends and all who have blood running through their veins. This letter will take many forms, and I suppose in some way won't have any form at all, but I write it in order to reassure myself of some hope or clarity or maybe just to cause some kind of collapse of myself. Very serious is the conversation we all are having. Once the previous point has been made we call on the next speaker who brings up another point ... we listen, we are impressed. However, what really is the problem? What is it in us as human beings? We need to figure that out now, because that is what we are really at war with. We are at war with the deceptions that we have inflicted on others and ourselves. Think about this - if you stuck a knife into me slowly during the span of a lifetime, would I die from the knifewound? Being that all our despair (and joy) originates from our experiences - perhaps if we try, (and I mean try!) to replay some of our experiences, especially from our childhood, and we share them with each other we'll see a pattern of warning signs and messages telling us what we need to know and we will also see that the lessons forgotten will be given again and again until they are instilled in our soul.

I'll give you a very personal example, it was the first time that I killed. When I was around four I walked into a room to find my mother holding a chair over her face to protect herself from the fists of her deeply disturbed boyfriend. Feeling helpless I turned and went down the hall way to the bathroom where he kept his goldfish. Filled with misunderstood rage I took a pair of scissors from on top of the sink and began to cut one of the unfortunate fish in half. After mutilating the first one I reached for another, but as I pulled the next victim from the fish-tank it started squirming violently in my hands, gasping for air. Suddenly, because of the struggle of the fish, and the startling feeling of its flesh frantically moving about in my hands, I was aware for the first time of a life-force within the fish and was struck with a feeling of horror and remorse for what I had done. I now saw my own mother through the fishes eyes and not only that but my mother's boyfriend was looking back at me as well. Terrified I lost my grip, the fish fell on the floor, flopping around for an unbearable amount of time before finally dying. Now I was left with only myself and what I had done, and still to this day I beg for forgiveness from some higher power.

Now even though I never forgot that, I still had to relearn that lesson over and over again. One of the things about this that really struck me was my being oblivious to the fish ever being alive until its initial struggle, and even then being too late to take it back. I also think of the fish tank, and how it gave me the impression that they were not alive as well. The media is trying to convince us that war is the only option with images edited to fit the screen of our televisions and minds, but remember - the movie is never as good as the book. We have no need for it. We don't need to watch Fear Factor to experience fear. Turn it off. That age is over. All of those who have been possessed with the desire to create need to now start working to create, not for their names, but for the Life force itself. Now is the time to look back on the works of such great peoples as William Blake and many others, those who closed their eyes and let it flow freely out of them, ignoring the "intellect", those who don't see the difference between their hands and the instruments that they play and realize that we are not "performers", or "geniuses" (a word that is as meaningless as is the word "Glooberklaftspoojsdebrwt"!) but simply instruments themselves, each tuned differently in order to receive and relay messages from the Lifeforce itself. It will be difficult for some, and easier for others, and if you can't get past your false frail frame of mind that you are the one and only one who needs to be heard you need to not only swallow your pride but spit it out as well and step down for a while until you get that straightened out. Don't worship the man, worship the life of the man, because if you don't you would be deceiving your "self" even more than others. A big head has a big mouth and you need to let the message speak for itself, you mustn't speak through the message. This is one of the many things that has gotten us to this dark place as a human race,and as a society. Let's start fixing it now, we have the tools to do such wonderful things, and we are more powerful than we know. Continue all communication and don't stop, don't ever stop. your friend,xxx

Raz Mesinai, a.k.a. Badawi, is a musician and a writer living in New York. His most recent CDs include Soldier of Midian (ROIR) and Before the Law (Tzadik).